Wow--where did the month go?

So if anyone still checks my blog, I'm sorry I disappeared. I went back to work and there is always much to do when planning new classes. Then my wonderful sitter told me that she is expecting a baby in January, so I decided to start my kids in daycare. Wonderfully enough, the Y had openings and so my kids and myself have been transitioning to that change in our life. While it was not a easy transition, it is going better :) My relationship with my husband is doing so much better. We finally had that conversation that we should have had months ago but both of us were scared to do so because we didn't know how the other one would react. Anyways, the air was finally cleared and we are getting back to "us".

As for nutrition and exercise, my wonderful routine was broken. When the kids started daycare, I no longer could work out in the morning, nor did I have time after work to drive to my gym, workout and pick up the kids at a decent time. Then I got horribly sick! Double ear infection and strep throat, I am finally getting better but it's been a long illness--just over 2 weeks! So I'm going to join the gym at the Y today and start working out after work on Monday. I'm just going to have to do it. If I had the money, I would buy a treadmill and workout at home in the early morning but that's not going to happen.

Anyways this means my fitness goal of running the 5k in early October is not going to work but that's ok. I enjoy running and I can't wait to get back to it! I hope that everyone is well in your lives. I've got a lot of blogs to catch up on :)

Tired

I don't have much to say lately.
--I'm back to work--yay for better eating :)
--I'm working out at 6 am every morning--it's going well but my running is not on track with the Couch to 5K program--oh well :)
--My husband comes home this weekend, so after all the time of adjusting to this new schedule, I feel like we are getting back on track.
--My 4 year old son has been diagnosed with ADHD and we started meds. I'm thinking about joining a parent support group.
--I'm PMSing this week and craving ice cream like there is no tomorrow but I have not bought any!

Hope all you are doing well.

Ah the reality check!

Week 4 of Couch to 5k is not working so smoothly as previous weeks--damn shin splints. So while I'm not strictly following week 4, I am still running more than week 3. Hopefully I can try week 4 next week. This, of course, puts me off track for running a complete 5K in October. However I think that I can still do the 5K, there just may be more walking involved than previously thought. So while this bothered me when I first thought about it, a friend pointed out to me that at least I'm attempting a 5K, WHEN had I ever even thought about doing something like that? Uh....NEVER! And in discussing my shin splints while eating lunch in the staff room today, some people decided to share their 2 cents that running is evil--too hard on the body. Well maybe, and if it comes down to running or never walking again, I'll stop but I haven't experienced the "high" from any other exercise regime that I get from running.

I'm back to work, teaching high school math. I love it! My daycare situation may be changing later so I'll have to start working out again afterwork, not something I'm looking forward to :( We'll see what happens....

Ummm...hello...summer?

Where did the summer go? We've had soooooo much rain that it felt like summer was never truly here. Although this weekend is suppose to be awesome and then it's back to work for me. I'm very excited to get back to teaching and meeting the new kids entering high school. But I am going to miss my flexible scheduling and spending more time with my kids. I finished week 3 of the Couch to 5K. And this morning's run felt good even though my hamstring was stretching on the first few minutes. I honestly feel like this running is going to work well for me (fingers crossed!).

I am curious what other people eat pre-workout. This morning I had a slice of multigrain bread, 1tbsp peanut butter and a glass of V8 and felt great. The other morning I had a bowl of cereal and a coffee--I wanted to puke halfway thru my run. I'm trying to get out of my food rut. I read an interesting tidbit the other day that a study found that overweight people tend to eat the same boring bland food all the time. People who are thin tend to eat a variety of foods with many seasonings and spicy flavor. Apparently I wasn't part of that study because I love savory foods :)

I'm going to cry....

from all the SUPPORT you peeps have shown me! I'm going to keep the running in the 5K as my fitness goal for the next bit. Tonight was walk 90 secs, run 90 secs then run 3 mins, walk 3 mins, 2 times. I did it--I felt so proud and so happy when it was complete.

Anyways I don't know if the timing of the 5K is perfect but then one of my personal growth goals is how to deal with things that aren't perfect :( In the past I have just not attempted something if I thought I would fail and this has led to a couple of regrets for me. So this 5K will be something that I'm just going to have to develop the mindset that I'm doing it for my "personal best"...something our Canadian athletes talk about tonnes while at the Olympics--hahaha, especially when we had no medals. They are doing much better now:)

Another topic--how do any of you inspire yourselves to do the strength/resistance training? I have begun to do some form of free weight training every workout but I dread it so much. I know that the more training you do, the less cardio you need to do. Theoretically--muscles burns more calories than fat, so the more muscle mass you have, the more calories you burn...but I hate it. I think it's because:

1. I'm surrounded by bulging muscles and tattoos--why? what is the connection there?
2. I'm surrounded by mirrors--I have avoided full length mirrors for a VERY LONG time.
3. I'm not a co-ordinated person and feel clumsy with my movements--although this is improving...

So I need to know how you all get your motivation together for tackling the weights?

Life is what you make it...

and I believe that...so I will choose to be positive (see previous post).

Ok so I've been toying with the idea of running a 5K. I have been following the Couch to 5K program (modified version). The CIBC Run for the Cure is scheduled (in my city) for October 5. That is the exact date when I'm scheduled to finish the Couch to 5K program. I would like to have more experience under my belt before then but there will not be another opportunity until Spring...I'm going to think about it. I think it's the motivation I need to keep up with the running, which I'm liking much.

We'll see :)

My iPod healed itself!

Ok so I thought it was toast, apparently I just let the battery run down--THANK GOD! Today's workout was much needed and very therapeutic.

Is anyone else watching Big Brother 10--I am addicted to bad reality tv shows but Big Brother is usually my favorite. However, this year, I have no idea how they found so many loud mouthed, annoying and obnoxious people to place in one house. It must be the new criteria to make it more watchable (roll of the eyes)...I don't think I like one person enough to root for them to win half a million dollars.

Today I had lunch with a friend from my university years. She last saw me around one year ago and she said to me "You look just amazing, how much weight have you lost?" When I told her 40 lbs, she said she could believe it and what was my secret. Her comment was just what I needed today. For the last few weeks, I've been feeling out of sorts. I didn't want to care what I ate, what time I ate or how much I ate. I still wanted to exercise but my eating has been out of control. 3 nights ago I had a big bowl of peanut butter fudge crunch ice cream for supper--I don't even want to think about how many calories it was or how much fat :( After I ate it, I asked myself do you really want to go back to your old FAT self...I'm still overweight but I don't feel FAT anymore--know what I mean?? Anyways when my friend was complimenting me today, I realized that even though I feel tired of what I'm doing, it was working for me. As well, I need to re-examine why I wanted to lose weight in the first place. And you know what, even though I've been telling people that it was for me, that wasn't the honest truth. The honest truth was that I wanted to improve my relationship with my husband, I wanted our sex life to be "hot" again. I thought if I lost weight, then maybe we could rekindle what we once had. But I realize now that what we once had is maybe gone and maybe I need to say the heck with him and trying to make him happy, I need to focus on what makes me happy. But what do you do when you think it's him that makes you happy?

Arg!

I went to the gym today--first day since last Thursday and I did not have a good workout. #1--my ipod was dead. I did wash it accidently with my gym clothes this weekend but it appeared to have made it thru the ordeal. Apparently the battery is screwed though, so no music for workout. DEADLY--my music is what helps me make it thru. #2--I was tired. I am just tired this week, so while doing my running routine I just felt sluggish. So I finished after 15 mins. I usually do 25 mins no problem and think I could do more but not today. I did do my weight training though for back and biceps. This was the first day in ages that I did not want to do my workout. So I'm hoping just all the late nights from Hubby being home caught up to me and tomorrow will be better. Strike that--tomorrow will be better!

Lots to think about

This past week has been an emotional roller coaster for me. I could blame it on PMS but I think it has more to do with me struggling to find out who the "real" me is. Now I don't want to get all psychological on you and that sounds like such bullshit when I read it on the screen but it's true. I honestly feel like ALL my life has been spent trying to please other people. My career as a teacher is the only true thing that I feel I've done for me. And I love it and I'm so confident in my abilities to help youth. But the rest of my life feels chaotic, although I spend vast amounts of energy making it appear to others that I've got it all together. So I've been thinking alot about going to a counsellor for some clarity. I've been to a therapist once and I saw her three times but I didn't really click with her. WELL if I'm being honest, I wasn't willing at that time to be honest with her about my life. But in losing 40 lbs and being a fitter person, I want the inside of me to catch up with the outside me. But I'm scared of what therapy could lead to. Has anyone else turned to a therapist for help along this journey? Have you thought about it but decided against it? I need some advice :)

Quick Update...

I did the kickboxing class on Friday. I am so proud of myself because I am the type of person that will avoid anything that will make me look like an idiot, regardless of the fact that other people may look idiotic as well. But I thought if I'm going to "grow" as a person I've got to be willing to take chances. So I went and I actually liked it and I will return this Friday.

My eating and exercise routines were a bit off kilter this past weekend. I went to visit my parents for the long weekend. Healthy eating choices are not widely available at my mom's house because she's not a big eater so she eats what she wants. My dad works in manual labor and burns off every bit of his caloric intake. I did go out and purchase some veggies (which were eaten up immediately by my siblings), and made a ginormous salad (once again eaten up by the rest of the family). So I didn't do too badly, given that I tend to overeat around other people. Sunday night we did have homemade chocolate cake and ice cream. Last night we toasted marshmallows around a campfire. I did get in some walking this weekend but no running. It was heavy rain and thunderstorms all weekend so I don't feel bad. I just know that I have to maximize the rest of the week at the gym.

How is everyone else doing? Do you find it easier to stick with your plan and exercise in the summer or the winter. I'm learning that winter was easier for me. I think it's the unstructuredness of summer that makes it more difficult for me. I can't wait to get back to work...um, did I just wish the rest of my summer vakay away?

Short and dirty...

Ok so the weekend was out of control eat wise...hubby home...friends for bbq...my parents for 2 days all equals way too much food. It was not bad food per say but just too much and we ate after 7 pm every night! Then on Monday, during the 3 hour drive to the airport to drop off my hub, he wanted to go to Dairy Queen. I had a burger--no fries, no pop...I logged that into mydailyplate.com when I got home and it was 640 cals, and 44 GRAMS OF FAT! I felt like that one item ruined Friday's workout. I've got to figure how to stop myself from sabotaging when I eat with other people. Do any of you struggle with that? My meals will be ok but then I'll snack throughout the time that we are together. Ok I'm lying I eat too much at my meals too...I think when I eat with other people I'm not as concious of what's going in my mouth as when I'm alone.

On a positive note, I've had two kickass days of workouts. I'm really enjoying the Couch to 5k program. Tomorrow I move on to run 90 secs and walk 2 mins. My friend, who runs, wonders at the slow pace of the program, but as I told her, this body has not RUN since the eighth grade so I think it's good to start slow. I've been running on the treadmill, this weekend I'll run outside, while I'm visiting my parents. That is the plan--please someone hold me to it--ok, ok, I have to hold myself accountable, I know!

All for now....oh and I'm craving peanut butter like crazy! Why!

Bike update....

Uh...yeah! Ok so this is not working out like I thought it would. The kids fight in the trailer and they are heavy! I do ok biking alone but man, with them it's unreal! And they will only stay peaceful for 5 mins, then I have to stop and negociate a peace treaty! So maybe the goal is for me to bike and take them along next summer on their own bikes :)

That being said, my sneakers arrived and I LOVE them! I also have 2 days of the Couch to 5k program under my belt and I really love that too. I love running--I feel powerful, who knew? I'm also doing interval training on the ellipitical. I kind of let my interval training slip because I was getting bored but I know that will help kickstart the weight loss--it worked in January so why not now?

I don't know if I mentioned this or not but I'm working part-time at Addition Elle for the summer. (I worked at Penningtons, like 5 years ago, before I got my fulltime teaching gig--sound familiar Carolyn???) My friends who are fellow teachers think I'm crazy but I have to stay busy or I'll eat all the time--it's what my history is. ANYWAYS--I would just like to remind my fellow bloggers how important a good, supportive bra is. I see women come into the store all the time and try on clothes and they think that the shirt/top/dress is not right for them. However, once I convince them to try on a bra that actually places the "girls" where they should be, it's amazing the difference in the clothes. I bought into the idea of a good bra many years ago when I originally worked at Penningtons. I understand that bras are expensive but they are one of the few items that you will wear EVERYDAY, so why shouldn't you have a good one? People will eat out and spend $50 for dinner and that's gone in minutes... Ok enough of a mini-rant, just an idea to those of you who sometimes feel slouchy in your garments :)

Thanks to all who read my blog, it's nice to "feel" your support. Just as I hope that I support y'all...

I've got to drive to Halifax airport tomorrow night to pick up hubby--very happy to do that! We are having friends over for BBQ on Friday night and my parents are coming to town for a visit (they live 3 hours away) so this weekend will be busy but fun. AND summer school ends Friday--big YEAH for that!

I bought a bike....

Looking at my daily routine, I realize that other than going to the gym, I have very little "active" activity in my day. I had purchased a bike trailer many months ago for the kids, with the intentions of getting a bike. So today I FINALLY followed thru. The kids loved it and realized that my level of fitness is quite a bit lower than I had thought! So instead of coming home at night and just fiddling time away until bedtime, I'm going to go for a bike ride and take the kids. Nothing like hauling my 250 lb body around plus the 80 lbs in the trailer...I want to show my kids that living an active life style is more than going to the gym...

Hello...my name is Emotional Eater and it's been 2 hours since my last binge...

ARG!!!!!!

Ok, had to get that off my chest. My husband works away from home,3000 kms away. Our relationship has been topsy turvy for the last 5 years. We love each other but can bring out the worse in each other too. I have a lot of anxiety when I'm with my husband because of past things he has says to me and I worry that some day, out of the blue our relationship will end. (Long story short, last fall he told me on the phone that he didn't think he was in love with me anymore.) Since the day he said that to me, he apparently regrets it and wants me to "move on". Well that might work for some people but I don't "move on". No I stew, I worry, I EAT my deep emotions. However his last few trips home, he has tried very much to be a different husband, a better husband but I've had my guard up and I would create arguments, just for argument sake. I realized after he left to go back to work 2 weeks ago, that I was the one who was holding our happiness hostage and it was up to me to open myself up to being loved by him and loving him. I have told him this, so his visit home this weekend went much more smoothly.

HOWEVER, that didn't stop me from eating things I shouldn't and drinking way more diet soda than I've ever consumed. It's like the logical part of my brain knows that I"m trying to NUMB myself from something horrible but I can't stop myself. I really think that I need to look into a counsellor/therapist to help me stop turning to food as a comfort item. I wish I knew what started this pattern for me.... I jumped on the scale this morning and it read 254--up 3 lbs in one week? How is that possible? I mean I k1now I didn't make so great food choices this weekend but 3 lbs is pretty dramatic, dontcha think?! I really think I'm not going to weigh myself anymore, it just messes with my mind. All day long I thought F**k I've been working hard at the gym and eating healthy 85% of the time, what's the point? So I came home and drowned my sorrows in a bucket of Breyers Vanilla Ice Cream...You can't see me right now but I've formed a gun with my hand and I'm shooting myself...I realize the horrible cycle I'm getting myself in...and dammit tomorrow is a new day and it will be a better day. I CAN DO THIS and I WILL DO this!!!!!!!

On another note, I'm working 2 jobs this summer. I am teaching summer school in the morning and working at Addition Elle in the afternoon--purely selfish reasons. I want the great discount on clothes--I really want to be down another size come September (although I wasn't thinking that tonight). The only drawback to having 2 jobs is that it does interfere with my gym time; however, summer school ends next Friday so I'll be able to get back to early morning workouts soon.

Oh yeah and we went to the beach on Sunday and I've got a lovely (*sarcastic*) burn on the back of my legs....OUCH...so the gym would be a pretty unbearable place right now...

Take care my fellow bloggers...I will not give up, I WILL NOT BUY\EAT ICE CREAM,
I WILL NOT BUY\EAT ICE CREAM, I WILL NOT BUY\EAT ICE CREAM (it's my mantra from now to Sept)!

TADA...!

Ok so Monday was suppose to be my weigh in day BUT...I had hopped on the scale Sat for a preview and come Monday I was up 3lbs! WTF! But Tuesday came and I thought screw it, I'll get on again---251 lbs....down 4 lbs from Monday! I thought how crazy is that. Well that afternoon, I started my period...ah the crazy roller coaster of the scale, hormones, water retention and whatever else that is involved in this journey. So Tuesdays will be my official weigh in day. Hopefully next Tuesday we will see some progress.

On the fitness front, I've been working hard in the gym. 50 mins of cardio and 30-40 mins of strength training everyday. I'm trying to take advantage of my "free time" (being a teacher and all) because I know once I start back to work that I'll be limited to 60 min workouts again. I had an interesting encounter last Friday at the gym. While I was sweating it out on the elliptical and pushing myself hard, this lady walked by me. She was probably in her late 50s early 60s but she had the healthiest looking skin--it just glowed and I thought to myself if I could look life that at her age, I would be so lucky. Well when I went into the changing room later, that lady was just leaving the shower. She looked at me and said, "Wow, you had a great workout." I thought she meant because I was super red and drenched in sweat. I replied that I was working hard to break a plateau. She said, "Well I just admired how hard you were working. Have you tried running?" I said that I didn't think I was ready for that. She felt that by how quick I was on the elliptical that I should try running outside and recommended that I purchase "The Running Book" by John Stanton of the Running Room. I thought a lot about what she said and maybe I am ready to start running but I'm scared, what if I look like an idiot, what if I hurt myself. I need advice from my fellow bloggers who do run....how did you start? I did buy the book but you guys have been in the same position as me so I respect what y'all have to say. (Sorry Alli had to throw that in there, it's still part of my vocab since I lived in High Point, 9 years ago!)

One last bit of info for those interested...I've really been tracking every morsel of food that enters my lips via http://www.thedailyplate.com/ Thanks to one of my fellow bloggers for telling me about this site. I find it very encouraging to see immediately how many cals, fat, sodium, fiber etc...that I'm consuming and I feel very empowered. It also helps me see where I make misjudgements, so I highly recommend it to everyone interested in tracking calories.

The hubby will be home from Alberta tomorrow night and will be home until Monday afternoon--here's promising myself to stay on track despite his yucky eating habits.

Oh, oh, one more thing. Lately my knees have been killing me at night once I'm home. I thought it was the elliptical and maybe I would have to give it up but ALAS NO... I need new running shoes. This is what I've ordered but it will take 4-6 weeks for them to come in

Hopefully the knees won't give up....

Understanding calories...

I know that weight loss is calories consumed versus calories expended. Last night I found a formula in Fitness magazine that calculates how many calories you should consume to lose you desired weight. My came to 1600 calories...does that sound right? I have read some blogs were people eat around 1200...just wondering if anyone knows anything about this. As well I work out 5 days per week and burn approximately 600-700 calories per workout. Is this enough or do I need to do more because I'm not sure I can. That is 50 mins of cardio (25 min x two different machines) plus I work my abs and do some kind of weight training every day. My friends think my weight loss has stalled because of my weight training, "You're building muscle they say." My response is for 3 months?!

I've been inspired by you lot to post my weight online with a weekly weigh-in so I've decided my weigh in day is going to be Monday morning. Hopefully this will encourage me to stay on track with my eating on the weekends.

I found a new wagon...

Ok so after being up and down on the scale the last few months--I'm determined that I'm losing 15 lbs by September 1st. My exercise program is good but I'm working out 5 days a week, burning at least 500 calories per workout. I'm going to try to get in the occassional Saturday workout on the weekends that hubby is home. So really the area that needs attention is my eating. I've gotten slack the last few months. I've been stress about my relationship with my husband and when I'm stressed, I eat. As well I've been exercising hard, only to eat things that I shouldn't because c'mon I've worked hard. Well no more. I was measuring food in terms of how long would it take for me to work that off and lately that thought hasn't even entered my mind. So from now on, that's my modus operandi.

To track my eating, a friend has agreed that we will email each other every day of what we have eaten, so there's some accountability. Tonight I made the kids mac and cheese and cooked myself a steak and brussel sprouts. Well after I dished out their portions of mac and cheese, there was about 4 tablespoons left. My first thought was to eat it, so it wouldn't be "wasted"(I didn't want to eat it). I put the first bite in my mouth and thought what are you doing?! I spit it out and tossed the leftovers. I sat down with my steak and brussel sprouts and enjoyed my meal. Yay for being conscious! However the weekend is coming and that's usually my downfall...so if you could send some good eating vibes my way, it would be much appreciated.

Alternate plan

Ok so the gym was closed but I called up a friend and we went for a walk--for 60 mins! Bad news--wore sandals. Mental note: wear sneakers when out for exercise and put on sunscreen! I have a bad burn around my neck--no redneck jokes please :)

One more thing, I did have have McDonald's for breakfast this morning--long story short, late night last night==dragging ass this morning. I chose the BLT, which I thought was not a bad choice.WELL it bothered me all day long, nagging at the back of my mind--how poor was it? I looked it on the net when I got home. 440 calories and 20 grams of fat--wicked! I know that I will never order that again. An egg mcmuffin has "only" 290 calories and 12 grams of fat. Forewarned is forearmed...does that make sense?! LOL I know that some of you just don't do fast food at all but I am realistic enough about myself and my family to know that it is something that happens. So I would rather familarize myself with the menu, make an informed choice and compensate throughout the day. Anyways tomorrow morning I'll be back to cereal, all bran buds and berries, which I love. MMMMMM bran buds, who knew?

Emotional weekend...

Ok...why do I buy ice cream? Can someone tell me that? I cannot have ice cream in the house without eating it and I was raised that you do not throw out good food. So I bought a carton of ice cream on Friday and today it is gone. And I'm relieved and full :( I need to not buy it! I will not buy ice cream, I will not buy ice cream, I will not buy ice cream (it's my new chant)!

However other than ice cream, the weekend was not bad. Hubby was home from his "away" job. He will now be home every other weekend, while this is still tough it is better than weeks and weeks at a time. However, he has not joined me on the healthier eating wagon, so the first thing he does when he gets home is buy groceries. White bread, butter, 2% milk, sweets and bacon. Luckily a fan of bacon I am not but I did get him to eat a salad with me and he is using the "light" cheez whiz :) Baby steps...

Can I just say how annoyed I am that my gym is closed tomorrow for Canada Day! I know it's a great holiday and everyone deserves it but it falls on a Tuesday--I haven't missed a Mon-Fri workout day in 3 weeks! Sat and Sunday are my days off---grrrr....

I'm ranting--probably all the sugar from the ice cream--I will not buy ice cream, I will not buy ice cream, I will not buy ice cream!

Non Scale Victory!

Ok so this is a small victory but a victory none the less. Currently my kids are with my parents for the week. I went to the gym 2 hours on Sunday. Monday was golf and our end of year staff party. MUCH MUCH alcohol was consumed (not the NSV) but today.... hung over and all....I went to the gym and did my routine. The "scary" part was that I WANTED to go and I ENJOYED it. How funny it is that 2 months ago, if I had time to myself, no kids, I would have run a bath, got a tub of ice cream, and a book. How times have changed...

Tired this week...

Well my school year is winding down. We had Prom/Safe Grad on Monday night. I stayed up all night supervising 190 graduates (along with my co-workers). We had hypnotist, a bonfire and breakfast at dawn...it was GREAT fun! Wednesday night was Graduation and I have to tell you that it is this night that makes me appreciate what I do for a living. My specialty is teaching kids who struggle to get through school. Some kids struggle due to learning disabilities, some due to mental illness and others come from highly dysfunctional families where the main focus is just survival. So for me to watch those kids walk across the stage and receive a high school diploma is just amazing and a bit sad knowing that for some of them, this will be the highlight of their life. Today was paperwork day and tomorrow will be too. So needless to say, the gym has only seen me 2x this week but I will be going tomorrow morning.

Eating has been on track, aside from the deepfried hash browns on Tuesday morning--YUM! I feel better this week, I think that increasing veggies and cutting down on fruit has helped as well as I've increased my fiber. For those of you who have not tried the All Bran buds, they are actually very tasty. My kids will eat them, so what does that say?! hahahahaha

On another front, my husband has taken a job where he will work 10 days in Alberta and be home in New Brunswick for 4 days. Less money but he will be home on a regular basis. We'll have to see how this all plays out...

C'mon summer vacation--I'm going to learn to golf this summer--that's my goal. That and to lose 15 lbs between now and my return to work in September. I hope that's workable since I've only lost about 8lbs since February. I'm ramping up the exercise this summer, so here's planning.... (not hope, since I had hope for years that the weight would magically disappear and we all know how that worked out)....

Has Pennington's changed?

I was into Pennington's today--haven't been in awhile. Anyways I saw a cute skort on sale but it was size 20. I thought what the heck I'll try it on. At the same time, I saw a nice polo shirt and it was size 2x. Well the skort fit perfectly and the shirt was a bit big, I think I could have worn the 1x but there was none left. So if I'm wearing smaller clothes, what's up with the scale?! But you know what, I'm so happy about the clothes that I'm not even bothered with the scale.

Isn't it funny...

Today a good friend of mine said to me, "Wow you are continuing to lose weight. You look great." I thanked her and wondered if it was true, could other people see a difference in me. When I look at myself, in a mirror or a reflection, I still see the overweight me. Tonight though, I took a good look at my naked body in the mirror. Hmmm my fat roll above my belly button, oh my god I HAVE a belly button, is getting smaller. On the bellt button front, I can remember the last time I looked at my naked self and saw my belly button as it is suppose to look. maybe when I was 16 or 17 but I can't remember that. Oh wait my arms, that I HATE because they are so flabby, well aren't so flabby anymore. I will actually wear shirts that have cap-sleeves, which I avoided forever. And hey look at that, I do have an ass, its round and a bit cute. And when I smile, which is more often, I no longer see a double chin. And oh my god, are those collarbones, ok so they are not obvious but I can feel them with my hands. So I guess there is progress. I think part of the problem is that I had trained myself not to look at myself in mirrors because I hated myself and what I had become. However, i think now the mirror could help motivate me to keep going.

I don't know if anyone else watches the show "X-weighted" but last night was an incredibly motivating story of a woman from Calgary, who dropped 46 pounds in 6 months and 20 INCHES--to me the inches was just amazing. I like that show, and I wish Paul Plakas would come give me an exercise program to target my needy areas--hey Paul if you read this, call me :)

Lastly the eating this week has been much better. I don't want to go back to being "ugly", uncomfortable and unable to buy "cool" clothes. I eat my carbs in the morning and that's it--meaning bread or cereal. After that it's lean protein, fruit, veggies, yogurt and water. I don't feel as sluggish at the end of the day and my "sweet" craving is starting to diminuish--here's hoping the scale moves soon...

Rejunvenation!

Ok so here it is...I'm back on the low carb diet again, which means only carbs one meal a day. By carbs, I mean bread, rice and high carb foods. I don't mean carrots, fruit or yogurt. I tried that one time and did not last too long. I love fruit and can't believe that some "diets" ask you not to eat fruit. Anyways the reason for the change-up is that I've slipped into "oh I've done so well, I can have this, I'm going to exercise tomorrow"! Last night, eating my second bowl of ice cream, I realized that I'm going to gain back every pound I've lost if I don't pull it together.

So this morning, because I was away visiting family all weekend, I had a coffee and low fat muffin for breakfast. Morning snack yogurt and 1/4 cup of berries. Lunch was veggies and fruit cup. Dinner tonight was brussel sprouts, palm size piece of steak and 1/2 cup of noodles. Tomorrow I have to go grocery shopping to pull this all together.

On the exercise front, things are going well. I'm looking forward to the summer so that I have more time to workout. Right now I have 60 mins max for gym time before work, usually its 45 mins. Since I have my summers off, I plan on 90 mins a day plus a new activity--maybe golf?

Binger?!

Ok so I have thought a lot about my eating habits in the last little bit as I read other blogs. One blogger described that she didn't realize she was a binge eater until she had lost a significant amount of weight and "caught" herself eating an entire sleeve of cookies on a rainy Saturday afternoon. As I read that, I realized that it was ME. I am so good with my eating through the week--healthiest breakfasts and lunches at work, HANDS DOWN! However come the weekend, all I want is cookies for breakfast, which means 1/2 a package, a whole container of Ben & Jerry's for lunch, 1/2 a veggie platter for supper with a whack of cheese. WHY? Partly I think it's because I miss my husband so much on the weekends when there is no work/routine to structure my day, so I eat to fill this void. How do I avoid this? I know if I get out the house with the kids, that helps, but I want to stay home and enjoy the time with my kids. How do I stop feeding myself so that I don't feel? A food journal? Thoughts...I'm really open to suggestions.

Smiles :~)

Ok so today I am down 1.5 lbs--soo soo happy that the scale is unstuck! Thanks to everyone for their words of advice on how to move the scale. As a reward I went out tonight and bought new pants in size 20! I have not worn a size 20 since my first year of university 15 years ago! Wow...I feel about old writing that...anyways I was going to work 2 days ago and my pants kept slipping down to my hips. That night I came home and tried on every pair of dress pants I have and I realized that many were too big and made me feel fat because they were so loose in the bum and thigh area. So even though when I was trying on size 20 pants tonight, they felt tight to me, it was because I am so use to wearing clothes that are too big and now is the time to find clothes that fit appropriately. Anways I'm a bit more motivated to stick on my healthy eating routine through the weekend (always my toughest time).

The ups and downs...

Ok so this post is not about weight loss directly. It's more about my relationship with my husband. As I have mentioned before, he works away from home weeks at a time. And yes this is difficult (as everyone who knows about this has TOLD me). But what makes it more difficult is the fact that he is a moody person generally and I believe that he is currently experiencing a midlife crisis (he's 44).

Just a bit of history, I met my husband when I was 16 and he was 27. Before people get all judgemental about this, I was a very mature 16 year old and he was an immature 27 year old. And our relationship wonderful until we got married, then something changed. He was my first everything and I have loved him always. However, our relationship has had some serious problems over the years. We have 2 kids and I feel that our relationship is not just about what we want right now. Tonight he told me, on the phone, that he missed the girl that I was when we first met and when I was in university. That pissed me off so much because my first thought "So you don't like me now?" I mean, what do I say to that? I'm 32 now--I'm twice the age I was when we met. I told him of course I was carefree in those days--I did not have any responsibility then. Now I work full-time, take care of 2 kids and try to keep the house in one piece and yes I feel stressed out a lot of the time but I think that I am a good person. Other people like me, why can't he?

I realize as I read this over that I don't really have a point but I really need to vent because I feel like there is no one I can talk to about this. I have friends but no "best" friend--HE was my best friend. Sometimes I am so close to just saying to I can't do this anymore and then I look at my kids and I don't want that for them. But sometimes I feel like I'm sacrificing my esteem to be part of this marriage and at the end of the day, I don't know if it's worth it...

The damn scale...curses, curses, curses!

Ok so I know that I'm not suppose to be a slave to the scale. Just eat well and exercise. Well I have been (for the most part) eating healthy and I've been going to the gym 5 times a week for the last 6 weeks. I'm down 6 lbs since Feb. 6! WTF! If my friends tell me "it's muscle" one more time, I'm going to scream. Yes my size 22s are feeling loose now, yes my body looks different to me when I gaze at myself naked in the mirror (ok probably TMI) and yes I see a body shape emerging but c'mon! The scale has got to move! Am I destined to be at 250lbs forever? I lost the first 37 pounds in 3 months and now, nothing! I don't want to give up or anything like that but I like to be rewarded for the hard work I'm doing.

The wagon has arrived...

Ok just a quick note that I went to the gym this morning and loved being back (had not been there since last Tuesday). I had oatmeal and blackberries for breakfast. I had homemade beef stirfry for lunch, an apple and granola bar for snacks. For dinner I had a honking salad (aka BIG), steak and a small potato and I'm stuffed :) And happy...

Single Parenting again...

Well my hubby left Friday morning to return to Alberta. He works in Fort McMurray and simply we do it for the money---well more so we can have a house and 2 vehicles. Selfish of us, maybe but that's the choice we made and hopefully it's short-term. However, the downside is that we live apart and the kids think that Daddy is a pilot and he works at the airport. That is funny to me because being a pilot is way cooler than what DH actually does. I love my kids but there are moments when being alone with them 24/7 is overwhelming and I wonder if other moms ever feel like that.

When I do feel completely overpowered by them, I feel guilt, which is the emotion that drives my eating. I just wish I knew why I feel guilt--I could get it if I was Catholic or if my parents raised me that way but they didn't. I went to therapy a couple of times to try to get to the root of this but nothing was resolved--she told me to stop worrying about pleasing others and please myself. Easier said then done but I wanted to know why I have always cared more about what others think. And if I really care about what others think, why would I choose food to soothe myself when that would only make me fat and once again impact what others think about me....it's so bizzare when I try to reason it out.

Anyways with DH home, I wasn't as strict with myself as I normally am, eating-wise. But the real damage was done Friday and today. I get so upset when he leaves and even though I know that cake isn't going to make me feel better, I ate it anyways. And didn't stop with one piece. Then the neighbour's daughter came by selling Girl Guide cookies--I'm not a cookie eater but there is something addictive about the GG, it's probably the trans fats :( Anyways I had 10, yep count'em 10 cookies for breakfast. The weird part is that I was concious of what I was doing, my little voice was asking me what the hell I was doing but I continued to eat anyways....However I have vowed that tomorrow is a new day and tomorrow there are no more excuses! NONE! I went out today and bought healthy groceries and have planned some great meals for the rest of the week--come on by wagon---I'm looking to hop back on :)

DH comes home today...

My husband works away from home--not ideal and hopefully just temporary. I will be very glad to see him and so will the kids. While he is here for the next 2 weeks, I should be able to get some extra time in at the gym--no need to rush home so the sitter can go home. Here's hopin!

Stupid, stupid, stupid....

Ok I don't know how many of you feel the same way but I dread the weekends just a bit (ok a lot) because I'm out of my routine. However, this past weekend I felt good about it--I went to the gym Sat (6 times last week) and kept my eating in check and drank lots and lots of water. At work, I'm part of a weigh-in club that meets quickly Friday morning before we start teaching. Well today I happened to be in the staff room this afternoon and there it was, THE SCALE. I couldn't help myself, I had been so good this weekend, it didn't matter that I just weighed in on Friday, I hopped on because surely all my effort would be rewarded. I was up 3lbs--WTF!?! I got off deflated.

Tonight when I got home from work, I was changing into my casual clothes (AKA flannels and a comfy T) and I noticed how muscled my thighs had become. And lo and behold, I had an actual bum, not just a continous spanse of flesh from my knee to my hip. So while I know the scale is a measure of success, it will not be my measure of success. My success will be measured by how long I can run and pull my kids in the wagon, without stopping to catch my breath, how I feel when I try clothes on that fit, not just cover me, and by what matters most--how much effort I put into living my best life....so the scale will see me on Friday, but just Friday. I have other friends that I would much rather spend my life with.

The dumb things I say...

Ok so I've been working away to my goal weight since September. I still have a long way to go but I'm happy so far. I'm not following any plan--just making good food choices and exercising. Exercise has always been the key to my success--that and steering clear of the ice cream aisle in the grocery store :) One thing that I have always hated is that other people feel the need to tell me what I should be eating and what I should not be eating. Because of this, I no longer eat lunch in the staffroom at work. I love the people I work with, and most of them are quite savvy when it comes to nutrition, but there is a tendency to pick apart everyone's lunch and I don't need the pressure.

Anyways on Saturday a friend of mine went with me to the gym and we had a great workout. Afterwards we were talking about making good food choices and I told her that I am hating salads these days. In fact I had made a salad for lunch that day and after 3 bites, I tossed it to the bin--I just couldn't eat it. She suggested varying the ingredients with chick peas or cottage cheese or even nuts and dried fruit for a change up. Later we went to the grocery store and she pointed out a particular namebrand dressing and asked if I ever had that with my salads because it was delicious. Well before I even knew it, I said to her "NO! Do you know how much fat is in that?!" The second the words left my mouth, I felt horrible. I felt like the nutrition police. Here's the kicker though, my friend is a wonderful, lovely woman who exercises daily, played university basketball and has great, great eating habits. She can eat what she wants without wondering if it will mess up her weekly weigh in because she doesn't weigh herself. ALL I can think about lately is, "If I eat this, will I regret it later?"

Regret....what has prompted me to start this weight loss journey... I regret not accepting the scholarship to Cambridge University because I worried how the "fat girl" would be accepted by the other students...I regret not wearing a beautiful white gown for my wedding because I worried that I could not find one to fit, instead I wore a green pantsuit that suited someone who was the age of 62, not 22, because it fit...I regret not having more pictures of me with my children because I hate seeing myself...I regret that my life has been lived cautiously...

Life is too short for regret. I apologized to my friend for my comment and she just laughed, not taking it seriously for a moment, and in that moment I realized that all my life I took everything too seriously. Now is time for fun....watch out world...here I come...