ARG!!!!!!
Ok, had to get that off my chest. My husband works away from home,3000 kms away. Our relationship has been topsy turvy for the last 5 years. We love each other but can bring out the worse in each other too. I have a lot of anxiety when I'm with my husband because of past things he has says to me and I worry that some day, out of the blue our relationship will end. (Long story short, last fall he told me on the phone that he didn't think he was in love with me anymore.) Since the day he said that to me, he apparently regrets it and wants me to "move on". Well that might work for some people but I don't "move on". No I stew, I worry, I EAT my deep emotions. However his last few trips home, he has tried very much to be a different husband, a better husband but I've had my guard up and I would create arguments, just for argument sake. I realized after he left to go back to work 2 weeks ago, that I was the one who was holding our happiness hostage and it was up to me to open myself up to being loved by him and loving him. I have told him this, so his visit home this weekend went much more smoothly.
HOWEVER, that didn't stop me from eating things I shouldn't and drinking way more diet soda than I've ever consumed. It's like the logical part of my brain knows that I"m trying to NUMB myself from something horrible but I can't stop myself. I really think that I need to look into a counsellor/therapist to help me stop turning to food as a comfort item. I wish I knew what started this pattern for me.... I jumped on the scale this morning and it read 254--up 3 lbs in one week? How is that possible? I mean I k1now I didn't make so great food choices this weekend but 3 lbs is pretty dramatic, dontcha think?! I really think I'm not going to weigh myself anymore, it just messes with my mind. All day long I thought F**k I've been working hard at the gym and eating healthy 85% of the time, what's the point? So I came home and drowned my sorrows in a bucket of Breyers Vanilla Ice Cream...You can't see me right now but I've formed a gun with my hand and I'm shooting myself...I realize the horrible cycle I'm getting myself in...and dammit tomorrow is a new day and it will be a better day. I CAN DO THIS and I WILL DO this!!!!!!!
On another note, I'm working 2 jobs this summer. I am teaching summer school in the morning and working at Addition Elle in the afternoon--purely selfish reasons. I want the great discount on clothes--I really want to be down another size come September (although I wasn't thinking that tonight). The only drawback to having 2 jobs is that it does interfere with my gym time; however, summer school ends next Friday so I'll be able to get back to early morning workouts soon.
Oh yeah and we went to the beach on Sunday and I've got a lovely (*sarcastic*) burn on the back of my legs....OUCH...so the gym would be a pretty unbearable place right now...
Take care my fellow bloggers...I will not give up, I WILL NOT BUY\EAT ICE CREAM,
I WILL NOT BUY\EAT ICE CREAM, I WILL NOT BUY\EAT ICE CREAM (it's my mantra from now to Sept)!
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3 comments:
And a great mantra it is, too! :)
I'm so sorry for your stresses, but acknowledging them is a great step toward resolving them!
Sorry for all the yucky stuff with the husband. I loved the line about you holding your happiness hostage. I think that's so powerful you can recognize that. Going to a therapist wouldn't be a bad idea. I went several years ago about some challenges I was having and although it was expensive, it changed my life.
Im a stress eater for sure. I can imagine that thing the hub said stuck with you for a long time. I defintiely think you are taking the right steps to shed that thought and open up to him again. I know I have been on the other end where I have said stuff to Brian with out thinking about it and it hurt him deeply. Sometimes you say things the most hurtful things to theo ones you love in the heat of the moment. But you know that was last fall and its been several months... chances are he does regret it. I wish ya the best!
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