The ups and downs...

Ok so this post is not about weight loss directly. It's more about my relationship with my husband. As I have mentioned before, he works away from home weeks at a time. And yes this is difficult (as everyone who knows about this has TOLD me). But what makes it more difficult is the fact that he is a moody person generally and I believe that he is currently experiencing a midlife crisis (he's 44).

Just a bit of history, I met my husband when I was 16 and he was 27. Before people get all judgemental about this, I was a very mature 16 year old and he was an immature 27 year old. And our relationship wonderful until we got married, then something changed. He was my first everything and I have loved him always. However, our relationship has had some serious problems over the years. We have 2 kids and I feel that our relationship is not just about what we want right now. Tonight he told me, on the phone, that he missed the girl that I was when we first met and when I was in university. That pissed me off so much because my first thought "So you don't like me now?" I mean, what do I say to that? I'm 32 now--I'm twice the age I was when we met. I told him of course I was carefree in those days--I did not have any responsibility then. Now I work full-time, take care of 2 kids and try to keep the house in one piece and yes I feel stressed out a lot of the time but I think that I am a good person. Other people like me, why can't he?

I realize as I read this over that I don't really have a point but I really need to vent because I feel like there is no one I can talk to about this. I have friends but no "best" friend--HE was my best friend. Sometimes I am so close to just saying to I can't do this anymore and then I look at my kids and I don't want that for them. But sometimes I feel like I'm sacrificing my esteem to be part of this marriage and at the end of the day, I don't know if it's worth it...

The damn scale...curses, curses, curses!

Ok so I know that I'm not suppose to be a slave to the scale. Just eat well and exercise. Well I have been (for the most part) eating healthy and I've been going to the gym 5 times a week for the last 6 weeks. I'm down 6 lbs since Feb. 6! WTF! If my friends tell me "it's muscle" one more time, I'm going to scream. Yes my size 22s are feeling loose now, yes my body looks different to me when I gaze at myself naked in the mirror (ok probably TMI) and yes I see a body shape emerging but c'mon! The scale has got to move! Am I destined to be at 250lbs forever? I lost the first 37 pounds in 3 months and now, nothing! I don't want to give up or anything like that but I like to be rewarded for the hard work I'm doing.

The wagon has arrived...

Ok just a quick note that I went to the gym this morning and loved being back (had not been there since last Tuesday). I had oatmeal and blackberries for breakfast. I had homemade beef stirfry for lunch, an apple and granola bar for snacks. For dinner I had a honking salad (aka BIG), steak and a small potato and I'm stuffed :) And happy...

Single Parenting again...

Well my hubby left Friday morning to return to Alberta. He works in Fort McMurray and simply we do it for the money---well more so we can have a house and 2 vehicles. Selfish of us, maybe but that's the choice we made and hopefully it's short-term. However, the downside is that we live apart and the kids think that Daddy is a pilot and he works at the airport. That is funny to me because being a pilot is way cooler than what DH actually does. I love my kids but there are moments when being alone with them 24/7 is overwhelming and I wonder if other moms ever feel like that.

When I do feel completely overpowered by them, I feel guilt, which is the emotion that drives my eating. I just wish I knew why I feel guilt--I could get it if I was Catholic or if my parents raised me that way but they didn't. I went to therapy a couple of times to try to get to the root of this but nothing was resolved--she told me to stop worrying about pleasing others and please myself. Easier said then done but I wanted to know why I have always cared more about what others think. And if I really care about what others think, why would I choose food to soothe myself when that would only make me fat and once again impact what others think about me....it's so bizzare when I try to reason it out.

Anyways with DH home, I wasn't as strict with myself as I normally am, eating-wise. But the real damage was done Friday and today. I get so upset when he leaves and even though I know that cake isn't going to make me feel better, I ate it anyways. And didn't stop with one piece. Then the neighbour's daughter came by selling Girl Guide cookies--I'm not a cookie eater but there is something addictive about the GG, it's probably the trans fats :( Anyways I had 10, yep count'em 10 cookies for breakfast. The weird part is that I was concious of what I was doing, my little voice was asking me what the hell I was doing but I continued to eat anyways....However I have vowed that tomorrow is a new day and tomorrow there are no more excuses! NONE! I went out today and bought healthy groceries and have planned some great meals for the rest of the week--come on by wagon---I'm looking to hop back on :)

DH comes home today...

My husband works away from home--not ideal and hopefully just temporary. I will be very glad to see him and so will the kids. While he is here for the next 2 weeks, I should be able to get some extra time in at the gym--no need to rush home so the sitter can go home. Here's hopin!

Stupid, stupid, stupid....

Ok I don't know how many of you feel the same way but I dread the weekends just a bit (ok a lot) because I'm out of my routine. However, this past weekend I felt good about it--I went to the gym Sat (6 times last week) and kept my eating in check and drank lots and lots of water. At work, I'm part of a weigh-in club that meets quickly Friday morning before we start teaching. Well today I happened to be in the staff room this afternoon and there it was, THE SCALE. I couldn't help myself, I had been so good this weekend, it didn't matter that I just weighed in on Friday, I hopped on because surely all my effort would be rewarded. I was up 3lbs--WTF!?! I got off deflated.

Tonight when I got home from work, I was changing into my casual clothes (AKA flannels and a comfy T) and I noticed how muscled my thighs had become. And lo and behold, I had an actual bum, not just a continous spanse of flesh from my knee to my hip. So while I know the scale is a measure of success, it will not be my measure of success. My success will be measured by how long I can run and pull my kids in the wagon, without stopping to catch my breath, how I feel when I try clothes on that fit, not just cover me, and by what matters most--how much effort I put into living my best life....so the scale will see me on Friday, but just Friday. I have other friends that I would much rather spend my life with.

The dumb things I say...

Ok so I've been working away to my goal weight since September. I still have a long way to go but I'm happy so far. I'm not following any plan--just making good food choices and exercising. Exercise has always been the key to my success--that and steering clear of the ice cream aisle in the grocery store :) One thing that I have always hated is that other people feel the need to tell me what I should be eating and what I should not be eating. Because of this, I no longer eat lunch in the staffroom at work. I love the people I work with, and most of them are quite savvy when it comes to nutrition, but there is a tendency to pick apart everyone's lunch and I don't need the pressure.

Anyways on Saturday a friend of mine went with me to the gym and we had a great workout. Afterwards we were talking about making good food choices and I told her that I am hating salads these days. In fact I had made a salad for lunch that day and after 3 bites, I tossed it to the bin--I just couldn't eat it. She suggested varying the ingredients with chick peas or cottage cheese or even nuts and dried fruit for a change up. Later we went to the grocery store and she pointed out a particular namebrand dressing and asked if I ever had that with my salads because it was delicious. Well before I even knew it, I said to her "NO! Do you know how much fat is in that?!" The second the words left my mouth, I felt horrible. I felt like the nutrition police. Here's the kicker though, my friend is a wonderful, lovely woman who exercises daily, played university basketball and has great, great eating habits. She can eat what she wants without wondering if it will mess up her weekly weigh in because she doesn't weigh herself. ALL I can think about lately is, "If I eat this, will I regret it later?"

Regret....what has prompted me to start this weight loss journey... I regret not accepting the scholarship to Cambridge University because I worried how the "fat girl" would be accepted by the other students...I regret not wearing a beautiful white gown for my wedding because I worried that I could not find one to fit, instead I wore a green pantsuit that suited someone who was the age of 62, not 22, because it fit...I regret not having more pictures of me with my children because I hate seeing myself...I regret that my life has been lived cautiously...

Life is too short for regret. I apologized to my friend for my comment and she just laughed, not taking it seriously for a moment, and in that moment I realized that all my life I took everything too seriously. Now is time for fun....watch out world...here I come...